I probably need to start by saying that I was never small, never skinny or slender. For as long as I can remember, people always pointed out my excess weight. I should say that I always tried to lose weight: diets, gym, massages — nothing helped me. I scolded and hated myself and kept breaking down and eating away all my failures, blaming everything and everyone around me.

For perspective: by October 2017 my maximum weight had reached 140 kg. But everything was changed by one trip in a minibus. Morning, the minibus packed, disgusting weather, a long ride ahead. I sat by the window, and next to me was an empty seat, but nobody sat down; everyone looked at me with pity or a questioning look, but nobody sat next to me. At first I thought maybe it was because my jacket was wet, but no… And then, like a blow to the head, came the thought: I was taking up 2 seats, 2 seats on the bus! And I felt terrible from that thought. I realized I needed help, and the sooner the better.

I had to turn to specialists — and that was the hardest step. First of all, I admitted to myself that there was a problem, that I could not cope on my own and needed help. I went to an endocrinologist-dietitian. I was examined, everything was checked, and, as usual, they said that yes, of course, there were deviations, but it was precisely the excess weight that led to them, not the other way around. It was unpleasant and hurtful to hear, but no matter how much I wanted to run home, put on my favorite "parachute" and switch off with something sweet and tasty in my mouth while watching a series, I listened to what to do next.

And the steps were the simplest and the hardest at the same time. We do not go on a diet — we change our attitude to food, to ourselves, to life. I had to accept that we are not temporarily restricting ourselves in food — we are saying goodbye to the old forever! And believe me, this is very hard, because your inner voice starts pitying you with monstrous force, and then the feeling of hatred and contempt for yourself simply goes off the scale. And what do you do with that?

I was recommended to see a psychiatrist. When you first hear this, it seems like just talk, and terribly expensive at that — but, as it turned out, NO. It was exactly the necessary thing I needed. In those consultations they explained the causes of my stress eating, why I specifically did that and, most importantly, how to fight it. And little by little, through resistance, through rejection, through the desire to quit everything, I began to overcome myself. What spurred me on was the look of people on the bus, that pity… and the desire to prove that I could! I learned to love myself, learned to respect myself. I understood what peace is and how to drop anchors in a storm of doubt and confusion.

In the first year I lost 30 kg. I had to change my attitude to life. It may sound banal, even trite… But every morning I got up, put on my sneakers and walked — every day I walked around the house, then I started running… Then came the best rowing machine.

Sport is a very important topic in general. Sport is needed not only to burn fat but to keep yourself in shape, to have strength and energy. I found what I enjoy doing only by trying everything! Now I know for sure that yoga, aerial yoga, stretching, walking and rowing suit my body best.

So what actually worked? For me it was following a daily schedule and introducing daily rituals, literally minute by minute. To make it easier and so that I would not be alone, I kept an intranet diary where I talked about what I did and how I cooked. Then, a year later, I quit smoking. That is probably the hardest habit to get rid of.

Another year later I lost another 20 kg, and by 2020 I weighed 84 kg. It was incredibly hard, but it was a victory. Honestly, I still cannot believe I did it! But every day, every hour, my beloved man, my husband, supported me, and his contribution to my self-belief cannot be overestimated.

If you will allow me, I will tell you that my husband has a serious illness: SMA (spinal muscular atrophy); he can barely move, with contractures in all joints — and he has been like this since childhood. And you know what? In 20 years he has never once complained about his fate, about the fact that this happened to him and why! You cannot imagine how much life and energy is in him — for him nothing is impossible. After talking with him, all your problems seem like mere trifles, because unlike him, you can, quite simply, scratch your own nose. So how could I GIVE UP?

Every one of my days for the past 8 years has started with the scale. I always know exactly how much I weigh and how much I will weigh tomorrow if I eat something wrong… Although by now I don't even want to eat anything. Over this time a different attitude to food has developed, and to life in general. I realized that love and kindness and the incredible support of close friends can work miracles.

But I did have breakdowns; the biggest was in 2022. At 35 I became pregnant. This long-awaited miracle did not come easily to us, and, unfortunately, I could not avoid severe postpartum depression. And in half a year I went from 79 kg, gaining up to 93. Just like that! But I already knew I needed help and went again down the beaten path — namely to the endocrinologist, and then again to the psychiatrist, for psychotherapy. And as a result, I now weigh 64 kg.

To this day I have developed several very important rules for myself that help me stay disciplined and not break down:

1. Do not stockpile food. Do not load up at the store; there should be no food supplies in the refrigerator "just in case" or "in case I want it". Only the essentials, from which you cook food for the next few days.
2. Plan in advance what you will eat. I think ahead about which foods and in what amounts I will eat today and tomorrow, which snacks are acceptable and what I will drink. No agonizing over choices: you decide your menu in advance and you will know how it will affect your weight.
3. Never finish other people's food. Even if I cook something tasty, I never keep eating if I feel full. And do not finish your child's food! Hence the next important rule.
4. Throw food away. Do not keep everything you did not finish in the refrigerator — straight into the trash. Thanks to this, the last rule developed.
5. Cook in portions. Not a huge pot for the whole family, but exactly a few portions — enough to feel full but not overeat.

I always wanted to wear a dress but could never afford it. When I was heavy, trips to the store turned into hell, because there simply was no decent clothing in size 64. There was no aesthetics in it, and it was only depressing. Today, having lost the weight, I understand that it is not about beautiful clothes but about self-confidence. Now I feel great in any dress, simply because I can wear it easily and elegantly.

I hope my story will help someone understand that they are not alone and should not fight alone. That obesity is a disease, like drug addiction or any other dependency, and there is help — it can and should be sought. And personally, I will add: I can give you a big hug and tell you that this is not the end — you can do it. Maybe not right away, but you have only one life, and you are the person you should love most.